Posted in It's A Teen Thing

Tips & Tricks: When Travelling Abroad

NOTE: THIS POST/CATEGORY IS NOT LIMITED TO TEENS

Welcome y’all to the newest ‘segment’ on my blogIt’s A Teen Thing where I’ll share things like advises, tips & tricks, do’s and don’ts, tutorials, and other teenage things! This segment, however, is not limited to teens only (as stated above). It’s called “it’s a teen thing” because these are my insights on things I’ll share here as a teen. I know, it doesn’t make much sense to me either. Anyway, let’s get this blog started!

 

  • Comments, thoughts and suggestions are extremely appreciated! 

 


 

Travelling abroad. One of the most thrilling, euphoric, and most-awaited moments in anyone’s life. You get to ride on a plane, taste airline food, and go to a place that’s entirely (or mostly) different from your hometown! It’s nearly impossible to have a settled and quiet mind when your excitement’s being dominant; and when your innocent heart is too active due to nervousness and curiosity of what lies ahead.

 

However, one must remember to always control thyself because the chances of forgetting important things are extremely high, and you wouldn’t want to travel without your beloved summer dress or your make up kit, right?

 

So without further ado, here are my tips & tricks when travelling abroad!

 

 

cruise-packing-101-hero

Tip #1: Prepare your things ahead of time.

You might ask yourself, “why would she state the obvious? No one would dare pack things overnight!” Well, I hate to burst your bubbles folks, but most people — especially us teens — tend to overestimate ourselves and tell our parents the overused line: “I can pack everything the night before, I’m not really bringing a lot.” and when that night comes, we’ll be losing time to sleep because we’re too busy packing and checking if we missed something — and ending up leaving something behind. Believe me, I know. I left my blanket, a couple of notebooks, my favorite pajama, and other unnecessary things in the Philippines before heading to Canada; even though I packed a week before.

 

Of course, packing isn’t something that everyone enjoys, which is why most of us hates the idea of packing early. But contrary to teenage beliefs, packing can be an activity that everyone will enjoy with the proper tricks, and with these tricks that I discovered two months ago, I’m sure your boredom will be lessen!

 

Trick #1: make a list of all the things you’re supposed to bring in one bag and place that list inside that bag so you can avoid misplacing your stuff and forgetting them. For example, in your favorite Jansport backpack, you’ll put there the list of all the shirts and some undergarments; the list for gadgets such as chargers, earphones/headphones, phone, camera, extra battery, goes to your shoulder bag; your other clothes, shoes, and other stuff goes to your check-in bag. Use colorful pens while listing these things or fold the paper into an origami so you won’t feel the boredom rise up.

 

Trick #2: too lazy to make a list? Create an acronym for the things you’re supposed to bring. For example, since “gadgets” are too vague, try remembering LaCamOneSS (LAptop, CAMera, cellphONE, Selfie Stick) instead; or STUPS (Shirts, Tank tops, Undergarments, Pants, Skirts/Shorts) instead of plain clothes. It’s easier, and it activates your imagination! No more thinking of the past at night because you’ll be too busy thinking of witty mnemonics.

 

 

 

f1yeHVO

(not my cat)

Tip #2: Make sure you sleep before the flight.

If you’re planning to stay awake the entire night before your flight so you can sleep in the plane, do yourself a favor and ABANDON THIS PLAN! ABORT MISSION, MATE! I REPEAT, ABORT MISSION! I swear, you’ll regret not having enough sleep, especially when your flight is 6 freaking am. I didn’t sleep when we traveled because I thought the chances of sleeping on board will increase if I didn’t sleep, but I ended up being awake for almost 48 hours (I’m not exaggerating… I was awake at 4 am on a Thursday, and was able to sleep at 4 am-ish on a Saturday because of jet-lag). The feeling was not pleasant folks.

 

If you have no problem with sleeping anywhere anytime however, feel free to not sleep the night before! Just be reminded that in a plane, you’ll be sitting next to a stranger the entire trip — and the possibility of having a noisy and restless seatmate is quite huge. Also, the idea of flight attendants walking around and going to you every now and then to deliver food will not leave you at peace. (anxiety is real)

 

 

Now I know sleeping is a huge problem when you’re overly excited. It even seems impossible because you won’t be able to stop thinking about the activities and the view and– the thinking never stops. With these tricks, however, you might solve that sleeping problem and will be able to have that fresh face the entire trip.

 

Trick #1: Avoid drinking caffeine a day before your flight, and make sure your sugar intake is lowered so you won’t have too much energy before you sleep.

Trick #2: Wake up extra early the morning before your flight and exercise. Run or jog around the neighborhood and do some squats before eating breakfast. Afterwards, look for something that would eat up your spare time like reading, playing a video game, watching youtube videos, double checking your bags, or any activity that will prevent you from having a nap. As soon as the evening comes, make sure you eat your dinner then stroll outside your house and breathe some fresh air. Refrain from using your phones, laptops, and tablets after dinner so your body won’t be confused (using gadgets before sleeping causes our brain to think that it is still too early because of the light from our gadgets, thus causing sleeping problems). Before heading to bed, take a warm shower to relax your muscles so you’d be able to have a good night sleep.

 

 

 

lots-of-luggage-banner

Tip #3: Don’t pack your entire house.

We all know some of us tend to overdo things, especially when packing. Although a couple of ‘extras’ are good and essential, most of our ‘extras’ won’t actually be needed once you get to your destination. It’ll only end up in your luggage for who-knows-how-long because, come on. Who unpacks as soon as they get back home?

 

Keep in mind that no matter how expensive your seat is, you still have a weight limit with your baggage. Now you don’t want to exceed because the fees for excess baggage are no joke. So unless you’ll be permanently leaving your hometown, leave those unnecessary things behind. They’ll still be home when you get back anyway.

 

 

If you’re struggling to decide how to pack, here are a few tricks I learned over the past months:

 

Trick #1: Contemplate whether you really need to bring those things or not. If you still can’t make up your mind, try to picture yourself carrying multiple heavy luggage in the airport, going to your designated seat (which is at the last row of the plane) with your carry-on, and unpacking all those things as soon as you arrive and when you get back home. Is the struggle worth it? If it is, then go ahead an bring all those stuff. If not, do yourself a favor and lessen your load.

 

Trick #2: Always place a weighing scale beside you while packing and make sure the weight limit is stuck on your mind. It’s best if you’d put 2-3 kg allowance on your luggage to avoid fees since airport weighing scales cheat most of the time. For example, if the weight limit is 25 kg, try making your luggage weigh 22-23 kg only.

 

Trick #3: When buying luggages, avoid the colorful ones for they attract the security and the people who inserts suspicious objects in tourists’ luggages. Choose the simple one that doesn’t weigh and is spacious so you could put in more stuff.

 

 

 

gaNWK.gif

Tip #4: Don’t forget to have fun and enjoy the moment!

 

Most of us would rather take loads of photos and videos to post on social media rather than breathe in fresh air and enjoy the new place you’re travelling. Although this isn’t wrong (especially to those who needs to maintain an instagram feed) it would still be better to remember what you felt while in that memory rather than remember how many takes and how many edits did it take you to have a decent one.

 

 

 


 

Travelling is a great way to learn, discover, and develop yourself. Effortlessly, it is one of the most enjoyable activities done by mankind. And by being prepared physically, emotionally, and mentally with the help of these tips & tricks, you could have a worry-less trip to wherever you’re going!

 

Tell me in the comments if this helped you in any way possible. Your comments, suggestions, and reactions matters to me most 🙂 have a great trip and remember, carpe diem!

 

 

n

Posted in scribbled thoughts

Untitled

 

(I prefer to make this blog post untitled — and have an empty featured photo — because there’s no other word more fitting for my emotions while writing this one)

 

 


 

 

It sucks when you’re the only one stuck being in love with your ex while he’s having the best times with his new one. But you know what’s worse? The people who’re constantly judging you; and continuously assuming you’re dumb and need their moronic advice.

 

 

I mean, I already know it’s stupid for me to still be in love with him. I know I should move on. I’m well aware of my mediocrity, so I don’t need another imbecile to rub it in.

 

 

You will — as it is a part of the human instinct — wonder and ask, “if you’re such a smartass and you know these stupidity, why the hell aren’t you moving on?” The answer to that — sad to say — is yet another question to myself as well. Why haven’t I moved on? Or better yet, why can’t I move on?

 

We humans have this instinct where we run away from things that brought us pain; afraid of feeling the ache all over again. However, when it comes to this pest called “love”, we turn into fearless beings — prepared to face and love the person who brought us pain over, and over, and over, and over again, until one of you drops dead (or until a new human being comes along).

 

 

Unfortunately, love didn’t just turn me into a fearless person, it turned me into an idiot who can’t stop loving her ex who has a new girlfriend. Believe me, I tried to find someone new. I tried to forget. I tried to move on. I freaking tried every. single. tactic written on The Book on How to Forget Your Ex Who Forgot You Existed. But no matter how painful it is to love him, my heart still can’t let him go. No matter how pathetic he makes me look, my helpless self still longs for every fiber of his being, and it will be the death of me.

 

 

Forgetting him would’ve been easier for me…if he wasn’t there when the world turned its back on me…if he didn’t stop the tears from falling and the blood from dripping…if he didn’t made those fake promises and plans in the future whenever I’m doubting his love and our destiny…if he didn’t light up my world when all I wanted was to shut it down forever…if he wasn’t my only reason to keep my horrible life going. He was my everything. He is still my everything. And goodness. I’m more than willing to trade everything I have left just to have him back.

 

Having him back in exchange for all the things I have,  however, wouldn’t be worth it though. I mean, what’s the point of being with him again if I know he won’t be happy? How the hell can he be happy with me? His heart now lies with someone else. And I can never steal it from her no matter how hard I try. Because in reality, even though I’m the prettiest, sexiest, and smartest woman in the world — and she’s just a nobody compared to a perfect version of myself — he still wouldn’t notice me…because his heart now beats for her and her alone.

 

 

This is the reason why my lungs will suddenly pray for oxygen even when my current location has more than enough air; why bile will suddenly fill my throat despite of an empty stomach; why my heart suddenly stops beating for a second, no matter how active my body is; why my eyes sting from the tears every night; and why my body begs my brain to shut down completely, never to restart again.

 

 

 

Love is the most idiotic and pathetic thing in this fucked up world. Oftentimes I ask myself, why was it even brought up in our world when it does nothing but cause us pain, insanity, and death? Which leads to the most important reason why I can’t move on and forget: my love for him is the only thing that’s keeping me sane in this crazy world I live in.

 

 

 

 

(P.S.: the next time a friend is having a hard time moving on, just know that we did, we’re doing, and we are more than willing to forget him as soon as we can. We are well aware of our stupidity, and we really don’t need another human to rub it in. I believe ourselves are enough source of pain and regret.)

 

n

Posted in letters I will never send

To my ex lover

Dear ex,

 

More than a year has passed. It’s been quite some time huh? I know you’re expecting me to say I’ve already moved on, that I have someone new and I’d thank you for breaking my heart because if it wasn’t for you, I would never meet my present. I mean, I know everyone’s expecting the same from me, right? I obviously didn’t want to get involved with you again after breaking up with you. And besides, it’s the most normal thing to do. The thing is, i’m not normal, and i’m not really writing this letter to thank you. I’m writing this letter to tell you how sorry I am and that I’m still madly, deeply, hopelessly in love with every inch of you.

 

We had the best relationship any girl could ever wish for, and you were, without a doubt, the best boyfriend in the entire world. I always loved planning our future with you, and picturing what our children and grandchildren would look like. You always loved planning our wedding, and I enjoyed thinking of names for our children. We often have petty fights that would result to not talking to each other for a day or two, but it would always end up with me being in your arms, or my lips locked in yours.

 

Being in a relationship with you was the best 21 months in my entire life — even though the last few months was filled with tears, sadness, fights, ignoring each other, and hurtful words. I would’ve traded anything and everything to have our relationship fixed back then, but I knew it wasn’t what you wanted anymore.

 

I was devastated for months. There was never a morning that I didn’t think of you, and never a night that I didn’t shed a tear because of you. I terribly missed you. I wanted to ask for a second chance, but my fears and the “what ifs” stopped me from doing so. As each month passed, I was slowly able to learn how to be happy with the people around me, and how to not cry every night whenever I remember you. I was even able to find a temporary love life during those months when we didn’t have any contact with each other. I thought I was finally over you. I thought I’ll finally be happy without you in my life. I thought I’ll finally be able to let you go. But joke’s on me.

 

When my temporary love life came to an end, I began learning how to be a strong, independent girl who doesn’t need a guy to make her feel complete. I was succeeding, slowly but surely. But, for no apparent reason, you began to haunt my dreams, and invade my daydreams. I fought whatever emotion I was beginning to feel for you, because I knew it was dangerous for me to have feelings for you all over again. I don’t need to be dependent to you again. I tried so hard to not feel anything for you again. Sadly, my determination to ignore my heart failed, because even though I taught myself how to live without you, deep down, I was still not over you. Even though I’ve flirted with so many guys, my heart still belonged to you alone.

 

I wanted to be with you again. I wanted you to give me a second chance, to give our relationship another try. I wanted you to love me again the way you did when we were still together physically. I wanted to tell you how much I’ve missed you and how much I love you. I wanted to tell you that, no matter how long and painful it’s been, it’s still you. It will always be you.

 

Last night was the best and the worst night of my life because of you. After a year of not contacting each other, you finally decided to message me again. You have no idea how excited and happy I am to see your name again on my notification. I felt so nervous, yet so fucking ecstatic. Even though I was quite busy that hour, I immediately checked your message, hoping that it’s something sweet or something that had to do with us getting back together. But I guess I hoped for too much.

 

You reminded me of your advises for me once I set foot on the country I’ll be going to in a few days. You told me that you were only reminding me because you cared… You cared as a friend.

 

As a friend who cares.” 5 simple words that crushed my heart, hope, and entire being. I’m glad you care about me, but I couldn’t handle the fact that you only cared as a friend — that you had to repeat it several times. You cared and you’re worried for me as a friend. As a goddamn friend. I care and worry for you too, but as someone who loves you dearly, not as a motherfucking friend.

 

I wanted to tell you I love you. I still love you. I’ll always love you. I wanted to beg for a second chance. I wanted to tell you everything in my mind. And for a second, I almost did. But it suddenly hit me. Why would I do that? You only see me as a friend now. Nothing more, nothing less. What if saying all of those would never give me a chance to see and talk to you again? And besides, you already have a new princess to love, take care of, and cherish. You’re happier and more complete with her. Why would I bother destroying your new love life if I know you’d prefer her than me?

 

I guess I’ll keep these unsaid words, unsent messages, and unseen letters to myself for the rest of my life. I’ll never be able to tell you any of these personally, unless my blood turns into alcohol, or the oxygen in my lungs become smoke. But baby, my love, please understand this. I decided not to tell you any of these because I love you and I’d rather be a friend than a nobody to you. And just because these words are not said doesn’t mean it’s not true.

I love you, even though I’m just a mere “friend” to you now, even though you have a new girl to love, even though you practically forgot every memory and every firsts you had with me, even though you obviously don’t care about me anymore. I love you, goodbye.

 

 

n

Posted in poetry

Poems of a Broken Heart, A Fragile Soul: A Collection of Poems

Poems of a Broken Heart, A Fragile Soul

 


 

Poem 1

 

I wanted to shout in front of your face,

Scream how much I love you —

How much I need you.

 

But only a whisper came out,

Saying “it’s okay. I’m letting you go.”

While holding back the tears from my eyes,

And choking up the words I wanted you to hear.

 


 

Poem 2

 

Some humans

Have voids in their hearts —

Filled with the chasm,

Of their dark past.

 

Who is to blame?

The one who broke it,

Or the irrelevant timing

Of their longing love?

 


 

Poem 3

With tears streaming down,

Her dark, lonely eyes,

And blood endlessly flowing,

From her cut wrist,

 

She took the pills she’d

Been hiding under her pillow —

Forcing her throat to

Allow them to destroy,

 

A body, with a soul

Yearning to be vanquished —

Praying to be executed.

 

Before closing her eyes,

She wished once more

That it would be her last time,

 

To open them —

Her last time,

To see the tyrannical life,

She had been given.

 


Poem 4

 

How cruel it is for mankind,

To make someone fall for you —

Hopelessly, deeply, painfully —

And end up leaving them eventually.

 

How astonishing it is,

To find out that these humans —

These heartless, monstrous creatures —

Are still able to smile innocently.

 

How ironic it is,

For humans to bleed for people,

Who would pull the trigger multiple times,

Without second thought.

 

How painful it is,

For a helpless girl like me,

To assume a boy like you,

Would keep his promise to never leave.

 

n

Posted in scribbled thoughts

Intoxicated Love

Why would you come into my life —

Prepared to put

All the pieces together,

If you were going to ruin me

All over again.


Love never had a concrete definition.

It always changes with every person you ask and what were they feeling that day when you asked them.

I never knew how to define love. Scratch that. I knew words were never enough to explain my definition of love, because in my opinion, it’s something that should be felt and not verbally explained.

I met a lot of guys before you, and I went out with some as well. Few of them are actually better than you — physically, mentally, and spiritually — and treated me better than the way you treated me. But when someone asked me the other day what love is in my opinion, all I could think about was you. I knew words deeper than the ocean wouldn’t be able to explain my definition of love, but for some unknown reasons, at that very moment, you were enough to define love for me.

I remember smiling widely when that question was asked to me. Memories of you and I started flooding my mind, and enveloped my heart with glee. I remembered the first time you chatted me and how eager you were to not let our conversation end. I remembered the first time you admitted your feelings for me and how giddy I was the entire day because of your confession. I remembered the day I first saw you in person, how nervous your voice was when you greeted me and how shaky your hands were when you handed me the ice cream you promised. I remembered the first time we ate lunch together and how awkward it was for you and me, but we still didn’t leave each other because we knew we could do better. I remembered the first time you held my hand and how it fitted to yours perfectly. I remembered the first time you hugged me and made me feel safe and protected. I remembered the sweetness and softness of your voice when you first whispered “I love you” while you were lying on my lap, trying your best to fight the urge to sleep.

That happiness, however, didn’t last because I remembered our current situation. What a horrible wake up call, huh? It’s been a month since you last talked to me. Within that month, I did nothing but stare at you from afar, reminisce all the fun I had with you, cry myself to sleep, and continuously hope that when I wake up, I’ll finally receive a message from you once more.

I’ve been miserable for a month, while you still look jolly and stress-free — as if you never knew me, as if you were completely unaware that you shattered my heart. My friends were witnesses of how I badly ached for you. How I badly needed you, wanted you. They were the ones who knew how much I miss you and how I desperately love you.

I craved for your attention the way my lungs craved for oxygen. My body yearned for your presence the way it yearned for food. It’s as if a world without you became my deserted island and having you back was the only way to survive. Before falling into this chasm of your intoxicated love, I promised myself I wouldn’t let you complete me, nor will I ever let you control my emotions. I wouldn’t let my walls down that quickly because my conscience knew you’d end up ruining me. But like all the promises you told me every night, I wasn’t able to keep it. I wasn’t able to keep all of the consequences of loving you in mind, and I failed to see the lies that covered your sweet tongue.

How ironic isn’t it? My definition of love is also my definition of sadness and grief. And the best part of all of this is that I can’t stop myself from loving you even though you did nothing but shatter my heart every single day.

Guess the joke’s on me, huh?

n

Posted in poetry

I’m Giving Up

I’m Giving Up

 

I’m giving up,

Not because I want to,

But because I know you’d prefer that.

 

I’m giving up,

Not because I’m tired of trying,

But because I’m tired of you not noticing.

 

I’m giving up,

Not because I ran out of love,

But because can’t stand the look of pity in your eyes.

 

I’m giving up,

Not because I don’t need you,

But because I know you don’t need me.

 

I’m giving up…

I’m giving you up…

I’m giving “us” up…

 

I’m giving up,

Because I know you don’t want me anymore —

Because I know you’re better off without me.

 

I’m giving you up,

Even though I need you —

Even though my entire being aches for you.

 

I’m giving “us” up,

Even though it was all I ever wished for —

Even though your love was the only thing keeping me sane.

 

And I know,

I know you’ll be happier.

I know you’ll be okay.

 

 

n

Posted in scribbled thoughts

He was never mine

I loved you,

More than I should —

Even though you weren’t mine officially.

And yet,

And yet you didn’t end up

In my arms.


 

6 week ago, you began talking to me — reminding me to eat on time, to take care of myself and to never forget to have enough sleep and water intake, comforting me whenever I’m down, making me laugh when I’m on the verge of tearing up, teaching me things I can never learn on my own, accompanying me whenever I felt lonely, and continuously making me feel loved by you… Even though we both know you never did.

 

It was never my intention, but I fell in love with you; slowly, unwillingly, deeply, painfully. You were the reason why I began to see how beautiful my life was again, and you were the reason why I began loving reality more than my dreams once again.

 

 

We weren’t official, but my entire being loved you.

 

 

And that’s the most painful part.

 

 

I learned how to love you. I was beginning to sketch an entire future of you and I. It was almost perfect…but you weren’t ready for it. Because even though you have my heart in your hands, I don’t own yours. Heck, I don’t own an inch of you.

Maybe that’s why it’s so easy for you to end it all.

 

 

I wanted to blame you for my ache. I wanted to blame your hands for fitting in mine like it’s made for me. I wanted to blame your hazel eyes for making me lose my senses every time I look at you while you’re laughing at my tummy for being extraordinarily large. I wanted to blame your sleepiness for making my legs tremble and my stomach flutter every time you take a nap on my lap. I wanted to blame your broad shoulders for letting me experience comfort no pillow could ever provide. I wanted to blame your arms for making me feel wanted and loved by you.

I want to blame you for everything, but at the end of it all, I should be the one to blame. Because I loved you more than you can love someone who isn’t yours.

 

It was my fault. I scolded you too much, I bought too many fights, I stressed you too much, I assumed I was important in your life as you were in mine, I forced you to act as a lover to me, I.. I cared too much, and I loved you too much.

 

Now I’m left with traces of your fingers on my waist, broken strings on my heart, and fragment of memories of you and me in my head.

 

 

I love you, too bad you were never and will never be officially mine.

 

I want a future with you, too bad you ended “us” even though “we” haven’t even began.

 

 

n

Posted in poetry

Hourglass

 

Hourglass

 

They say the right one comes along,

In the most unexpected moment;

We met back when I was a sad song,

Indeed, he was heaven sent.

 

I remember lying beneath the resplendent stars,

While picturing our letter-perfect forever.

But your hugs and kisses turned into scars,

And now our fairytale is over.

 

Now I’m abandoned with broken promises —

Messages and phone call he misses.

I wish time never havocked me with this evil joke,

And instead saved me from this feeling I loathe.

 

 

n

Posted in letters I will never send

To his ex

Dear ex lover of his,

 

I never saw the two of you together back then. I haven’t even seen you in person. But I know how much damage and pain you bought in his life. I know how severe you affected his life, his mindset, his perspective on love.

 

And I know you’re the reason why I’m suffering.

 

Stalking his social media accounts was never the best idea. But it was my only way to know who you really are in his life and what your relationship with him was like.

I’ve witnessed the hugs, the long messages, the exchange of “i love you’s” and “i love you more’s”, and the endless showing-off of your sweet photos together. I’ve seen how intense and deep his love is for you, and how badly broken he was when you ended everything.

 

Why did you let him go?

 

He did everything for you. He gave everything you desired and dreamed of. He made you his world, for whoever’s sake! He let you see his scars, his flaws, his imperfections. You had a dark, unacceptable past, and yet he still accepted and loved you wholeheartedly.

He was a guy any girl would be thankful for, and yet…and yet you shattered him. You left him for another guy. You disregarded everything he had sacrificed for you. Do you have any idea what he is right now because of what you’ve done?

 

He is now a guy who’s afraid to fall in love again. He can’t say “i love you” without closing his eyes, wishing it was you he was staring at, and not me. He can’t hold my hand without shaking because he’s afraid I might feel the scars and bruises he got from releasing the ache. He lets me beg for him to stay because it feeds the void in his heart — in his ego. He doesn’t care if I cry myself to sleep because he’s too busy wiping his own tears, fighting the urge to call or text you for the nth time.

He can’t even appreciate my love for him. He can’t see how I prevent myself from tearing up every time I stare in his eyes and see you instead of my reflection. He’s not aware when his voice trails off the second he says “i love you”. He can’t even look at me without making his eyes reflect his real intention — lust.

I wish he never met you. I wish you left him in a more painless way. I wish I met him before he met you. I wish… I wish…

 

I wish you never left him.

 

Because being madly, deeply, in love with him while he’s still learning how to recover from the ache is like being stabbed while falling off a cliff. Because loving someone who only sees me as a girl to lust on instead of a girl to love is ruining the shattered pieces of my heart. Because loving a guy who still can’t move on with his past kills me.

Because knowing he’s afraid to fall in love with me because of you makes me want love him even more – and destroys my heart even more. Because I break into smaller pieces every time he ignores me whenever something bad happens and he wishes you to be by his side. Because seeing him still looking for you in a crowded room when I’m in front of him kills me.

 

Why I am I not enough for him to forget you?

 

n

Posted in letters I will never send

To my parents

Dear mom and dad,

My friends always tell me how lucky I am to have you as parents. And everytime I hear this compliment, I’d just fake a smile, cross my fingers, and hope that they’ll never take that back once I show them a slideshow of my life.

I mean, how can I consider myself lucky to have you as parents when you’re the least people who actually understands me, or knew how I really feel?
You have no idea how many times I’ve died in front of you while faking a laugh or telling you I’m okay. You don’t know how much I’ve cried everytime you tell me how pathetic and imperfect I am, and how much this person and that person is better than me – how you would prefer that kid to be your child instead of me.

 

You don’t know how many times I’ve tried to end my life just to make those “I wish you were never born!” be real. You don’t know how hard it is for me to forget all of my dreams just to make yours come true.
And were you aware when I cried myself to sleep because I can’t get your hurtful words out of my head? Did you notice those showers that took longer than it should? Did you hear how my voice broke whenever I try to say sorry because I was never good enough? Did you see the scars from my wrists and knuckles every time I’m done hurting myself?

Were you aware how angry my eyes get whenever you compare me to teenagers who’s worse than me? Were you aware of all the teasing I get whenever you restrict me from going somewhere with my friends? Do you even know how destroyed my image is to my friends because I can never join those out-of-town holiday trips? Are you even aware that I am in an unhealthy relationship with my depression for more than a year?
No! You never knew any of these. You only knew the things I lack, my imperfections, my flaws. You don’t remember the good deeds I do. It’s the mistakes and the bad deeds that stayed in your memory. It’s always the “things I could’ve done better” over the “things I succeeded.”

 

You never saw how lucky you are for raising a child like me, because you always saw how unfortunate you are for having me as a daughter. Because I’m the black sheep, I’m the rebel one, I’m the one who refuses to immediately follow your commands, I’m the one who can’t say “I’m sorry” or “I love you” without sobbing because I remember how much you hated those words when I say it when I was little.
People say I’m lucky to have you as my parents. And I always end up controlling myself from saying “You’re so lucky you’re not their child.

Because no one deserves unsupportive, judgemental, biased parents. No one deserves to be punished for trying to discover things, or for trying to have fun. No one deserves to be depressed while your parents tell you how irresponsible and devilish you are. No one deserves to be embarrassed whenever he/she tries to apologize or to voice out his/her feelings and thoughts.

 

I wish you would think about all of this things, mom and dad. I hope it won’t be too late when you realize how much damage you did in my life. I hope you won’t ever let my little sister feel unwanted by you. And I hope – if I ever make it – my future children will never experience this pain from me.

 

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